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Wed, Oct. 5th, 2005, 12:53 am
Tired Contemplation

A few days ago my oldest friend was online, he usually stays invisible. I decided to ask him how he was, as it's been too long since we've spoken. He said, "alright", and that was the extent of our conversation. Sigh. It seems as if things would have straightened out by now.
I talked to another friend before work tonight and asked him why I haven't seen him in awhile. He told me that I have annoying habits, I'm teritorial, I get in his "personal space", he misjudged who I was, and basically that he could be a good friend for me but I'm not one for him. I know that what bothers him comes from past experiences. I told him that I've known a lot of people who have overcome bad things and that at 29 he was acting very immature. I light-heartedly splashed water on him after he said something sarcastic to a girlfriend of mine. He took that very personally and stopped talking to me for a week and a half, then brought it up again today. Boy can I pick 'em.
My mom bought my sister and I week passes for the fair. One of our favorite rides is gone and as I don't like heights nor spinning fast, I'm kind of at a loss. Most likely we will go again tomorrow night.
I noticed a woman getting a second interview today and she is getting the supervisor position that I applied for. There are too many outsiders, our little group is getting split up. My manager let me know that it wasn't personal. I don't have enough experience, but she would like to work on that so that I have a better chance next time. With the holiday season coming she wanted someone who knew what they were doing. Makes sense, I'm not annoyed. Just dissapointed that I'm stuck doing the same thing, I need to learn something new. The cafe is becoming a huge burden and I'm feeling trapped behind the counter.
I don't usually close on Tuesdays but with many new employees they had to change my schedule. I was looking forward to Borders Ball tonight, but only two young lovers were in the parking lot.
On a happier note, I got a 100 on my first math exam.
I'm bored, and tired, and feeling useless as I have a lot to do and not a care for it.

Quite a few days ago........

Can I Take A Minute?
Assuming we would have a review or math quiz today, I did three assigments I didn't need to do. However, I feel better for having finished all of my homework. My teacher assigned a months worth of homework for us to finish before the 29th. In comp class I was the only one who read the essays that were assigned. We had a pop quiz and after the class complained enough about their busy schedules, the teacher agreed that they could read the essays before Thursdays class and maybe we'll have another pop quiz. I dislike the fact that the majority ruled, if they don't do their assignments when due, it makes her look bad which is probably why she reconsidered.
When opening the door, the smell of sterile equipment wafted through the doctors office. Filled out the necessary paperwork, waited. The lab technician was having difficulty with a mans veins. The nurse came back and told me should would do it. Truthfully I prefered this. Why would I want a technician who was having a bad day, poking me? The last time (different doctors office) they stabbed me three times before I projected blood. I warned the nurse ahead of time that I can get faint. So, even though I objected, she made me lay down while she did it. Today was a good day, I didn't hyper-ventilate. You'd think I'd be used to it by now.
Everyday passes more quickly than the last. And I find myself longing for the things I don't have time for and barely accomplishing what I can. I know the basis of my problems and hopefully soon that will be remedied so that I can get on with living.
Last night my best friends picture was all I could notice on my shelf of books. How I long to call him. I check on his myspace every once in awhile. And have no clue what he is up to as he doesn't blog. Today I thought about our last night together. I thought of how then it seemed so easy to only get four hours of sleep and function the next day, and now I'm a wreck no matter how much I gain. I thought of how he is the first person I want to call when things are awry. Then realized that I don't have anyone I can call, nor someone I trust enough to rant upon, these days. There are moments I think I've found someone to share my soul with, then I realize how much they are just trying to satiate their own ego without a care to my own. I'm lonely, it's not necassarily my soul longing for spirituality which I ignore, it's a physical loneliness.
Of course in my momentarily pausing, I opened a new window and read my myspace messages. Daniel wrote me a long, wonderful, compassionate, truthful, perfect - for lack of a better word, message. I know that it was G-D thwacking me on the head. Telling me to stop dwelling on the past that torments me and pay attention to those infront of me. All of my insecurites and random things I was going to complain about, he addressed, in a rather frustrated tone, at my own self-concious idiocy. And I love him dearly for it.

Sat, Sep. 24th, 2005, 01:54 pm
Discouraged By My Disinterest

If you know me at all, I can say I'm having a bad day and you know precisely what I mean. It's been building for quite awhile now and yesterday I had a hard time continuing to work. My social anxiety was reaching a climax and I couldn't focus.
This morning, the simplistic problem of not having any hot water, was my breaking point. I dislike this feeling, especially when I know it's coming and I try to fight it.
It's been months since my last blood test and I'm supposed to have one a month. I just haven't cared enough to go.
I feel like crawling in a dark corner and staying there. There's no need to explain it. If you've ever been there, you know what I'm talking about. And if not, you couldn't ever fully understand it.
I was supposed to be selling art today at the One Village festival, am I there? No. I have homework to do, have I done it? No. Have I found an alternate meeting place for TKAI? No. I should be cleaning and doing laundry. The problem is when I reach this point all I can focus on is the negative aspects of things I cannot get myself to do. It's easy enough to say that starting will have a snow ball effect, however, in this state of mind, starting is as impossible as being born again.
Which leads me to think.....When will Christians stop making an issue of the Jews killing Jesus? The religion on a whole did not kill him, therefor they can't hold those of us today accountable. Also, Jesus was not sacrificed because of his religion, but because of politics. In those days there were many sub-religions that had their own actions. If I recall correctly, the Jews were forbidden to sacrifice by the time Jesus came along. So he cannot be the "ultimate sacrifice". Sacrificing was to please G-D, why would anyone sacrifice Jesus if they disliked him so? If Jews thought this way as a whole, the religion would no longer exist because sacrificing Jesus would have been disowning G-D. Christians bringing up the past is the same as African Americans bringing up slavery. The past is the past that was not my past, let it be there.
That paragraph wasn't as defined as I would like it be, but I am not myself.

Tue, Sep. 6th, 2005, 07:29 pm
Paranoid Delusions and Lonely Exasperation

The thoughts in my head run constant and I know that most of them are created by my own paranoia. Some days it's incredibly easy to be on the negative side of social cliquedum.
Classes went well today. I was tired, but comp was stimulating. I feel like I've gone there for years. I studied in between classes at the hub and had a really good tuna salad (must eat healthy while stressing).
However now the peace and ok-ness of being alone has faded and I wish I had someone to hold. My friend wasn't interested in hanging out so here I sit at a downtown coffee shop.

Fri, Sep. 2nd, 2005, 11:27 pm
Emotions Aren't Based In Reality

So I wore heels to work today instead of my docs. BIG MISTAKE! It looked rather cute with my jeans rolled up, but ouch! My feet still hurt. I came home and there is too much I have to do, so I took a nap lol. I slept till about nine thirty and here I am.
I decided to search for my friend on myspace and low and behold there he was. I want to send him a message so badly. My brain is fried. Now I'm feeling nostalgic and depressed, I'm going to sleep some more....

Wed, Aug. 31st, 2005, 06:28 pm
I'm Not Very Good At Hello Or Goodbye

Fall is upon us and with it brings shadowy nights, lingering sleepiness, and anti-social stints.
When I feel emotionally exhausted in all aspects of life, tradgedy must always strike while I am down, she can't ever face me while I'm standing up.
Yesterday my guinea pig had a stroke and died. I went to say goodnight to her as I always do, and my mother gave me the news. I hadn't spent time with her that day, intense guilt for being preoccupied seeped in. However, a slight feeling of relief for not having to take care of another thing when I am so overwhelmed as it is, also occured. Then I had to feel bad for that feeling. I took a walk because home was feeling like a glass cage without air holes and my mom wouldn't let me drive in my emotional state. I smoked and cried, over inhaling with each sob. I stopped at a bench next to a crazy womans house, but as it was dark and I began hearing noises from within, I carried on my way. I decided to call my friend. He tried consoling me, but he was too practical. I needed him to ask me where I was and come make me feel better, but he didn't, and I wasn't about to ask. Calling him made me miss my friend in Seattle even more because he would have done anything to make me happy. And though that sounds selfish, sometimes you need that. I wrapped up our conversation, went home, had a drink, and went to bed.
Saw House of Wax, I was pleasantly surprised. A little gitchy and I dislike Paris Hilton, but it might be one to add to my collection.
I worked alone today and for the first half it was nice, I was able to take care of things that I had not previously had time for. Such as stocking the drinks fridge. The last hour and a half however dragged on and people were continuous. I couldn't keep the dishes down or necessities stocked.
I have so many things on my mind and no solutions for the problems plaguing me.

Fri, Aug. 19th, 2005, 11:57 pm
Updates On A Few Days

Take An Eraser To My Eye And Poke It Around Awhile
Current mood: worried

It's been a long day. A day where a mid-afternoon cigarette sounded like a chocolate covered cherub. I knew I shouldn't have, but the insanity of never ending people was bogging me down. I used to get an amazing rush from constant customers, but now I just get frustrated and forgetful.
My mind is preoccupied with several thoughts, not a change from any other day. My finances are slightly screwed up and someone has dented the side of my car. I'm lonely, it's not necassarily my soul longing for spirituality which I ignore, it's a physical loneliness.
Depression lingers and her slippery tongue can be felt crawling around my head. I realize that is a disgusting sentance, but it is a good metaphor for how I feel.
On a happier note, my midi keyboard came today! I'm so excited! The things I'll be able to do, bwhahahahaha. I owe so many people my cd, I need to take care of that. Then at least one thing will be off my shoulders. You have to start somewhere.
I'm contemplating buying Wilco and Interpol tickets. I better decide fast before they sell out like The Killers did.
I decided not to call my friend until he called me, as I have a tendency to overload humans. I missed his call last night, but we spoke today and he ended up coming to work. I wish I could have spent time talking to him, but my dad's home this weekend and I needed to get going. The last couple of times I've been out with my friend I've needed to cuddle. Tonight we didn't even hug and how I wanted to! But he told me that if I get too attached he'll drop me as a friend. He really wants to get a job that will send him out of state. I want to be supportive, but I don't want him to leave. I have issues with people leaving, I suppose you call them abandonment issues.
Well, if I stay up late I will waste the day sleeping so better rest now.....

Currently listening:
A Ghost Is Born
By Wilco

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Realizing What My Subconcious Knows
Current mood: tired

I just did a tarot reading based on the ancient celtic method. The general problem is being material. There is a lack of balance with those who try to give me advice. In the near future there will be a lack of essential humanity that will influence me. I'm having conflicting interests and facing immaturity.
Doing a circle of spirit right now, the general atmosphere is positive with certainty and accomplishment. The nature opposing me is selfish but can also be responsible. That one confuses me. The foundation that I've experienced is support, love, and relatedness. What has passed is a good omen for something new. In the future there might be a possible loss of possessions.
What I gather from this is that my expectations are for material gain at this point in time. I have support from those around me pushing me harder than they wish to. The path I'll take will be hard, but in the end I will not want material gain and the struggle will have made me stronger.
Just thought I'd share.

Shake It Like A Record Player
Current mood: tired

Sunday after work I went to a party that was pulled together by my boss in celebration of winning the team award. Carpooling was I, my sister, my friend, and a co-worker.
The event was at a co-workers condo, he seemed excited to show me things that we have spoken about.
We drank, ate, and were generally merry. Quite a few of us swam. My friend threw me in. I was wearing a skirt, my bathing suit top and a shirt. He was slightly feeling anti-social and didn't want to get wet. Some of my friends tried to pull him in as payback for me but he slithered away. It surprised him, he didn't see it coming. I couldn't help but stare at him and whenever I did it blocked out the sound of the children hitting eachother with wet noodles, the relaxed laughter of my co-workers as they socialized over beer, and the strength it took to stay afloat. He looked serene sitting by the edge of the pool, welcoming, warm, safe. I wanted to be wrapped in his arms, however I knew he wouldn't co-operate, especially with so many people around. In my haste, I forgot to bring a dry shirt so I borrowed the button-up he was wearing over his t-shirt. It smelled of sweet cologne, it smelled like him. When we had to leave the condo at seven we moved the party to another co-workers house and to my excitement my friend didn't want to go home. We mingled outside and then karaoke was brought out, one of my favorite hobbies! I sang two songs with my sister both of which I did not know well and it sounded really bad! I hope I get another opportunity because several people heard me. I don't want them to get the wrong impression lol.
My friend became more social and even jumped on the trampoline. I sat on his lap twice, but he ushered me off. Everytime I saw him I wasn't close enough. I didn't want him to get the wrong idea and freak out, guys and their relationship issues, but I needed something that he just wasn't willing to give me. Sometimes I wish I wasn't such a physically close person, but when my friends aren't giving me any physical feedback I think that I am not in their good grace. He seemed to really enjoy himself and I'm glad I invited him. One of my fears with my sister was that her personality would overshine mine, however I didn't feel ignored this time.
It was nice being in a relaxed setting with my co-workers. It was good for my sister to be a part of my world. And it felt great for my co-workers to see I know people outside of work. It was an awesome party.
I bought my school books today. I'm freaking out about rent going up, paying for my school books, and my car. I need to budget better. I'm also worried I won't have social time. I can do it, work full time, college twice a week, I should believe in myself.
Well, I feel as if this is one of the worst thought out blogs I've posted. Scattered, irrelevant.
Later world.....

Currently listening:
Hot Fuss
By The Killers

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Open A Window, I Think I'm Drowning
Current mood: contemplative

Last week I spent my lunch break with a customer, we've been talking ever since. Tonight we went to Gypsy's and as he was analyzing me, he showed me what my problem is. I can't forgive myself for certain things wether it be in the past or small issues that are current. I gnaw at myself with the what ifs. Unlike a Christian, I can't be reborn and feel as if life is perfect again. I need to find away to get over these hurdles. I'm not nieve, it's not as if I didn't realize things before. It's just different when you say out loud that the fact you dislike yourself is because you can't get over things you've done or ways you've reacted.
I went out with him the first time with the intention of dating him, he shot me down with the "we should just be friends", which I'm getting a lot of lately, however sitting with him tonight I was glad I wasn't dating him because we wouldn't have been able to have the conversation had we been intoxicated with physical interest.
Mmmmmm, I have to think.......

Tue, Aug. 2nd, 2005, 07:43 pm
Stop Searching On The Outside

I feel I should apologize for those who read my last entry. It was long and confusing.
My sister and I went to the Le Tigre show at Cain's last night, meeting up with my co-worker, his girlfriend, and some aquaintances. Upon arrival my co-worker was intoxicated, flirtier than usual. I wanted to be spending time with them, however I had to stay with my sister as I invited her and she didn't want to stand where they were standing. He looked good in the dimly lit room with the music playing, which led me to think about the time we did have together. It's not unbearable to be around him and his girlfriend. I've always been one of those people that would rather be friends than nothing at all. Being around him in a friendly manner is giving me insight that I would not have if I were infatuated. I can see his faults and either disapprove of them or ignore them.
I was looking for the guy who ignored me Sunday (it's rather hard when I don't want to use names). I am infatuated with him. I decide to ignore his faults and hope they go away, that is a flaw I'm well aware of when it comes to him.
I ended up wishing Daniel was there. I would have felt comfortable standing next to him, relaxed and lightly bobbing his head, it would have been fun.
I'm happy on my own, unlike many people I don't need a relationship 24/7, yet I can't help but feel lonely. I wish I had someone to go places with, call. Stay out late, early breakfasts, movies on a saturday night. Can you smell the slight desperation building?
Work began at eight this morning. Since there were few customers and I was working alone, I had time to wash all of the dishes and stock up. You could lick the counters and the residue would be a burning yet citrus clean taste. After lunch the crowd picked up and slightly stressed me out for I was no longer able to keep everything in it's place. My supervisor came, as he does on all of his days off, but instead of working, he asked me to order. Which I gladly did, however I did so after the cut off time which means we probably will get our merchandise a day late. It's nice that he is still including me in his duties, sometimes I need to feel as if I can do things my co-workers cannot. And I am sure it's nice for him not to bear the weight everyday, though he likes to feel needed. I won the mug selling contest and received a $25 gift card. I'm not sure if I've mentioned that before, rather lazy not to check, I know.
I don't want to get addicted to the rush of never being home, however the world is calling me telling me it is more interesting than where I am here on the couch. Just wait, stop searching on the outside......

Mon, Aug. 1st, 2005, 06:26 pm
I Won't Cry For Him, Just Give Me A Cigarette

The past few weeks have gotten me out of my shell quite a bit. One of my new co-workers and I created a fast bond and though he now has a girlfriend and I've been kicked out of the possibility of that status, we are still hanging out and having a good time. Infact the three of us had dinner last night and enjoyed ourselves. Tonight we are going to a concert at Cain's and I've invited my sister, as she moved back home yesterday.
I joined an activist group and through it am meeting some interesting people. One of which upset me last night, but I tend to take things seriously. He and I had a great time the other night and he told me to call him and when I did he wouldn't answer his phone. Then when I saw him at a show last night, he was acting awkward and then he left, what's up with that? So I listened to a couple bands and then I went to work to see my co-worker and asked him for a hug. It's pretty sad that when I'm upset the only person I can think of going to is yet another one of "those guys". He did make me feel better however. I'm not used to the types of guys I'm meeting now, you have one great night and they want to leave it at that. The older I get however, the easier it is to get over such things. I'm upset for a day and then I move on and am happy if I see them, but I don't ever cry over guys anymore. I also won't allow myself to, when things didn't work out with my co-worker and he told me he was going to see someone else, I was rather upset. But instead of crying I just smoked some cigarettes, okay and swore in the privacy of my car. My point is, the older I get, the more I realize how I can't rely on people, and that isn't really a bad thing.
My birthday was on the 24th. I spent two days in Wichita with my family and then was at work on my birthday. My co-workers got me a card and a huge cake, I wasn't expecting that at all! I told my mom that I didn't need them to be there on my birthday so she got to stay the week with my dad and I had the house to myself. They bought me several nice things, and I didn't really want anything this year, they bought me a green Ipod mini to match my car and a midi keyboard was ordered so that I can really work on my music. Yay me! My family is awesome. I had my first car payment and rent was due today, ouch! I didn't realize how little I would have after those bills, I'm going to have to start budgeting. No more impulse buys. I got my license plate today, I'm official!
I've been going to a lot of concerts and parties lately, putting myself in a catagory that as a child I hoped to never be in. I haven't done incredibly stupid things, just things that the old me would not be impressed with. I don't know how to incorparate the two halves. I hate when you have the feeling that if you had just slept with a guy he would still be around, then you have to convince yourself that if you did, he probably still wouldn't be talking to you. I went to a co-workers birthday party on the 23rd, went directly there from Wichita. I got to the point where you just love your co-workers and your putting your arm around them and trying to have a meaningful conversation but it's not going anywhere. My friends purse was locked in a bedroom she was supposed to be staying in so I stuck around until 2:30am. Slept four hours and then got ready for work, whoo hoo.
Gas is expensive and the thrill of being able to leave whenever I wish is still there. However my curfew is eleven and that has slightly put a damper on my social life.
Work, is work. Everyday I try to look forward to seeing someone that will make it more interesting. Spurring me on is the fact that I have bills to pay and if I don't work full time I won't have any extra cash.
College starts on the 23rd and I'm nervous as well as excited. I hope that I can continue working full time and get A's. I don't need talk like that, I don't hope, I know I can. It's just a mindset, I can do everything, I just need to do instead of think.
I didn't realize how much my co-workers like me and perhaps it was my shield that came up and made me so anti-social. But right now, I feel pretty good about myself and where I'm headed.
Relationship wise, I've stopped comparing myself to other girls and thinking that no one wants me because of me. There is someone that will like me for me, I just haven't met one that sticks around yet. But I shouldn't ever feel like I have to change while being with someone.
My mom helped me with some labels for my cd and it looks pretty spiffy. I gave a couple to some co-workers and they liked it. One of my co-workers had them play my cd over the PA one night after close, luckily I wasn't there.
I came home on my lunch break and my dad was cranky because he had to go back to Wichita and my mom was upset because it's their anniversary. So I called work and let them know I couldn't finish my shift. I didn't want to leave my mom alone. Plus with the concert tonight I didn't want her to feel like I'm always gone, I can't get a refund on the tickets. I feel bad calling out, but sometimes there are more important things than work.
Today is August first, never a good day for me. For it's my friends birthday and yet again, this year I am not speaking to him.
I feel as if I'm rambling and yet it feels really good to do so.
Hopefully I can continue with this positive outlook towards myself, and have the strength to deal with people who think nothing of my feelings.

Wed, Jul. 13th, 2005, 05:31 pm
If Thoughts Were Paper And They Were Stackable

In less than two weeks it is my birthday. While the thought of being older and one step closer to joining my friends as they head to bars, the idea of nineteen does not appeal to me.
August first is my best friends birthday and it seems as if it will be another year where I am not speaking to him.
I'm still feeling in an emotional rut, exhausted from the inside. However, this problem has been slightly alliviated with the acquiring of my license and the purchase of my new car. I will feel even more as if I am moving ahead, when I finish my enrollment at TCC for the fall semester. I have already applied, taken the CPT, and enrolled in two classes, however thinking of my work schedule as led me to look at different times. At the moment the system is down, not allowing me to change my classes.
I've come to be very fond of someone I work with, but he is leaving for law school next month.
Tonight a friend and I might meet at Gypsy's coffee house and play D&D. I'm looking forward to it though I'm tired and have to work tomorrow.
Preparations for Harry Potter night are starting to annoy me. Friday I do not have to stay until 2am, but since my shift is a mid, I have to make sure everything is stocked and well organized. We have a new employee and he seems very nice, quite good looking too, this could be dangerous.
My thoughts are numerous and lead through the past, present, and future. If only they motivated me, I would be constantly moving and the things I have to do would not seem such a chore.

Mon, May. 23rd, 2005, 11:32 pm
There's Velcro In My Attic

In other words, I have certain thoughts stuck in my head and when I try to shake them out, they are grabbed by another piece of that fuzzy plastic.
I haven't smoked in quite awhile and when offered a beer the other night, I couldn't drink it. To me this is optimistic, it means that I don't need a crutch to get me out of this inevitable funk.
Last week I went to a co-workers birthday party. I arrived after midnight, as I had closed the cafe, and stayed an hour. Young college students, swearing, picking fights, drunk. Four kegs were empty and no more beer cans. Lots of smoke, girls in heels, sports boys. The birthday boy was already passed out and doesn't remember the day. One of my co-workers had to have been on something, including her fiance, the things they were noticing and their attitudes, people. My other co-workers left when they found out the beer was gone. I stood with the two left, my 22yr. old girlfriend and my "friend" in his forties(?). I'm sure we were a comical group. The outsiders, we can't fit into the "prep" catagory. We stood and watched the idiots that tramped through the backyard. Feeling ancient.
Summer brings young love and it is hard for me while working to be so preoccupied that I do not notice the couples that come in. I remember being in love and I long to find that feeling with someone, but not just anyone. No, I would rather wait for whom I "click" then force something. This has come with age. I've gotten comfortable enough with my surroundings to talk to the kids that come in with their parents. Tiny shoes, pink dresses, kids are great.
Today I ran into quite a few people that I used to know. It was nice to be comfortable with "me" and all I entail. When they knew me I was so lost, I didn't fit into any one of their groups. And though I still think we aren't in the same catagory, I didn't feel less than them as I once did. Even with one of the girls trying to sound impressive, I realized those are her standards and they don't have to be mine. Strange how even with my ups and downs, I feel like I'm finally starting to get it all. It was in my soul before, but now all I knew is coming to the surface. And I'm excepting the world for what it is.

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